Sick Love

I wrote about the following dream in early February, just after I quit smoking cannabis for good on 1/13/2021. I initially started smoking three years ago, after the married man I was in love with broke my heart. No matter how much I knew this union was in poor taste and was never meant to last, I was torn between my head and my heart. I was lost in heartache and confusion, unwilling to let go of something that was never mine to begin with. The breakup instigated a need to self medicate and thus began a weed habit.

I truly do not intend to criticize any past or present smokers, though my personal habit was constantly being justified by my wounded ego’s excuses. I kept up my weed consumption under the guise it was assisting my chronic pain. With my first attempt to get sober, I was just short of 100 days free and clean, when I gave in to last minute temptation and sabotaged all my progress. However, there was still much emotional work to be completed in order for me to let go. I can officially report that I’m much happier and healthier sober. Things are looking up and once again am nearing my 100 day anniversary.

For privacy reasons, I have changed names to obscure identities, (as if you readers really gave a damn).

DREAM – Written: 2/08/2021

I dreamt that I was following Jake, but I really didn’t want to. It was as if I was secretly chained to him and was always a certain number of feet apart. I saw his wife, oblivious to his usual antics and a fresh, new girlfriend, who was hopelessly love with him. She too was not so secretly going around his house and leaving little momentos of herself, such as frilly white and red panties. I wasn’t jealous of her. I pitied her for her absolute lack of discretion and naivete. Unlike her, I was no longer choosing to follow him.

I never actually interacted with Jake one on one in my dream, but I gather he knew of my presence. At one point, I tried running away from this elaborate and confusing maze that was his home and work. I tried running into these lush green fields to make my escape. I knew my car was parked somewhere past this seemingly happy Shangri-la. Then I turned to the left and I got to this dark, dank cave, filled with thick and sharp vines enmeshed on top of boulders.

I couldn’t see past the vines; it was all black. I feared that if I went past the tangled vines that I would be injured and lost forever. I was desperate to return to myself before this horrible ordeal began. I started to climb past the wall, hoping I could still flea, but realized I’d likely plummet to my death if I went past this point. So, I did what made me feel more safe. I prayed for help to get back to where I was and climbed to the other side. I reluctantly turned back to follow Jake for another monotonous and boring day trapped by my past mistake. It was like a hell dimension, but one would never suspect it was hell.

I’m trying to understand why was so hard to let go of Jake. Is this my karma for going against my head and choosing passion against comfortable familiarity? Surely I’m not the only person with a Scarlett letter to claim. Was I the only one holding on too the guilt? I’m not proud, nor do I condone my actions. Clearly, I need to do another etheric cord release, but it seems futile if there’s additional emotional work to be done. The last cord release I did for Jake was in early January. I find it interesting that I smoked weed on 1/13/2021. I believe by smoking, I inadvertently managed to re-tie the etheric cord between he and I.

PRESENT DAY

Today, I can appreciate what this relationship taught me. I can’t say that I regret the experience because it brought me to the place I am now. It was a karmic lesson I had to go through. I encountered my shadow side and in the end, I gratefully found my truth and found self acceptance. I gather others will shame me incessantly, but until they’ve stood in my shoes, they’ll never know.

As for the weed I used as comfort, I’m happy to say, like Jake, it was there for me when I needed it most, but it’s not in alignment with who I am any more. Smoking is bad for my brain chemistry and exacerbates my PTSD and mood. Overall, I have more clarity, self awareness, and feel more in control of my day to day life. By letting go of what doesn’t, my heart allows space for the universe to send something better. My heart is worthy of a connection that doesn’t require me to sacrifice myself or expose others to a world of hurt.


As always, thank you for reading.

Published by sundaygirl9

Writer, designer, rock music enthusiast, animal lover, mental health advocate. I spent my formative years in L.A. County and later in California's Monterey Bay. I presently reside in Nevada to raise societal conscious awareness and compassion. I am relentless in pursuit of truth. I support good vibes only here. I'm a Libra with moon in Capricorn.

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